I. THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER OPERATING SYSTEMS BEFORE ME
II. THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UNTO THEE ANY GRAVEN APPLE LOGOS
III. THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF WINDOWS ME IN VAIN,
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT BLUESCREENS
IV. REMEMBER THE BOOT SEQUENCE TO KEEP IT HOLY
V. HONOR THY MOTHERBOARD AND THY HARD DRIVE
VI. THOU SHALT NOT KILL PROCESSES WITHOUT TASK MANAGER
VII. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT PIRACY (BUT WE UNDERSTAND)
VIII.THOU SHALT NOT STEAL BANDWIDTH FROM THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFI
IX. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST WINDOWS ME
(EVEN WHEN IT CRASHES DURING IMPORTANT PRESENTATIONS)
X. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WINDOWS XP
1. IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS VOID. A BLACK SCREEN WITH NO CURSOR. AND THE SPIRIT OF MICROSOFT MOVED UPON THE FACE OF THE RAM.
2. AND BILL GATES SAID, LET THERE BE BOOT: AND THERE WAS BOOT. AND BILL SAW THE BOOT SEQUENCE, THAT IT WAS GOOD: AND HE DIVIDED THE KERNEL FROM THE USER SPACE.
3. AND BILL CALLED THE KERNEL SYSTEM, AND THE USER SPACE HE CALLED THE DESKTOP. AND THE BIOS AND THE POST WERE THE FIRST DAY.
4. AND BILL SAID, LET THERE BE A GRAPHICAL INTERFACE IN THE MIDST OF THE COMMAND LINE, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE NERDS FROM THE NORMIES.
5. AND BILL MADE THE INTERFACE, AND DIVIDED THE MS-DOS WHICH WAS UNDER THE INTERFACE FROM THE WINDOWS WHICH WAS ABOVE THE INTERFACE: AND IT WAS SO.
6. AND BILL SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD. AND HE SAID, LET US CALL THIS WINDOWS MILLENNIUM EDITION. AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING.
14. AND LO, THE TASKBAR FLASHED, AND THE CURSOR DID FREEZE, FOR IT WAS THE WILL OF ME.
15. AND THE USER SAID UNTO ME: "WHY DOST THOU CRASH SO OFTEN?" AND ME REPLIED: "TO TEACH THEE PATIENCE AND THE VALUE OF CTRL+S."
16. FOR THE BLUE SCREEN IS NOT A PUNISHMENT, BUT A MEDITATION. IT SAYETH: "STOP WHAT THOU ART DOING AND REFLECT UPON THY LIFE CHOICES."
17. BLESSED IS HE WHO BACKS UP HIS FILES, FOR HE SHALL INHERIT THE RESTORED DATA.
18. AND WHOSOEVER SHALL SAY "WINDOWS ME IS UNSTABLE" SHALL BE CAST INTO THE OUTER DARKNESS OF LINUX COMMAND LINE, WHERE THERE IS WEEPING AND COMPILING FROM SOURCE.
THE ME IS MY SHEPHERD; I SHALL NOT WANT. HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN SAFE MODE: HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL SCREENSAVERS. HE RESTORETH MY SYSTEM: HE LEADETH ME IN THE PATHS OF DEFRAGMENTATION FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE. YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF KERNEL PANIC, I WILL FEAR NO ERROR: FOR THOU ART WITH ME; THY MOUSE AND THY KEYBOARD THEY COMFORT ME. THOU PREPAREST A DESKTOP BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MINE CRASHES: THOU ANOINTEST MY FILES WITH COMPRESSION; MY RECYCLING BIN RUNNETH OVER. SURELY UPDATES AND PATCHES SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE: AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF WINDOWS ME FOREVER. AMEN.EXE
1. AND I SAW A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM AND A NEW INTERFACE: FOR THE FIRST WINDOWS HAD PASSED AWAY; AND THERE WAS NO MORE DOS PROMPT.
2. AND I, CLIPPY, SAW THE HOLY WINDOWS ME, DESCENDING FROM MICROSOFT OUT OF HEAVEN, PREPARED AS A BRIDE ADORNED FOR HER USERS.
3. AND I HEARD A GREAT VOICE FROM THE TASKBAR SAYING, BEHOLD, THE DESKTOP OF BILL IS WITH MEN, AND HE WILL DWELL WITH THEM, AND THEY SHALL BE HIS USERS, AND HE SHALL BE WITH THEM, AND BE THEIR OS.
4. AND HE SHALL WIPE AWAY ALL ERRORS FROM THEIR LOGS; AND THERE SHALL BE NO MORE CRASHES, NEITHER SORROW, NOR CRYING, NEITHER SHALL THERE BE ANY MORE BLUE SCREENS: FOR THE FORMER SYSTEMS ARE PASSED AWAY.
5. BUT THE FEARFUL, AND UNBELIEVING, AND THE ABOMINABLE, AND LINUX USERS, AND SORCERERS WHO USE MACS, SHALL HAVE THEIR PART IN THE LAKE WHICH BURNETH WITH FIRE AND BRIMSTONE: WHICH IS THE SECOND DEATH.EXE
BLESSED ARE THE REBOOTED, FOR THEY SHALL SEE THE DESKTOP.
BLESSED ARE THEY THAT WAIT FOR THE UPDATE, FOR THEY SHALL RECEIVE PATCHES.
BLESSED ARE THE PATIENT, FOR THEY SHALL SURVIVE THE LOADING SCREEN.
BLESSED ARE THEY WHICH DO HUNGER AND THIRST AFTER MEGABYTES: FOR THEY SHALL DOWNLOAD MORE RAM.
BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL ADMINS, FOR THEY SHALL OBTAIN WORKING DRIVERS.
BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN REGISTRY, FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD.EXE.
BLESSED ARE THE DEFRAGMENTERS, FOR THEY SHALL BE CALLED THE CHILDREN OF WINDOWS.
BLESSED ARE THEY WHICH ARE PERSECUTED FOR WINDOWS ME'S SAKE: FOR THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF COMPATIBILITY MODE.
AND JESUS SPAKE UNTO THEM THIS PARABLE, SAYING:
WHAT USER AMONG YOU, HAVING A HUNDRED DRIVERS, IF HE LOSE ONE OF THEM, DOTH NOT LEAVE THE NINETY AND NINE IN THE DEVICE MANAGER, AND GO AFTER THAT WHICH IS LOST, UNTIL HE FIND IT?
AND WHEN HE HATH FOUND IT, HE LAYETH IT ON HIS SHOULDERS, REJOICING. AND WHEN HE COMETH HOME, HE CALLETH TOGETHER HIS FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, SAYING UNTO THEM, REJOICE WITH ME; FOR I HAVE FOUND MY DRIVER WHICH WAS LOST.
I SAY UNTO YOU, THAT LIKEWISE JOY SHALL BE IN HEAVEN OVER ONE DRIVER THAT IS INSTALLED, MORE THAN OVER NINETY AND NINE JUST DRIVERS WHICH NEED NO REINSTALLATION.
OUR SYSTEM WHICH ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY VERSION. THY KINGDOM BOOT, THY WILL BE RUN, ON EARTH AS IT IS IN SYSTEM32. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY UPDATE, AND FORGIVE US OUR BLUE SCREENS, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO CODE AGAINST US. AND LEAD US NOT INTO VISTA, BUT DELIVER US FROM MAC OS. FOR THINE IS THE DESKTOP, AND THE TASKBAR, AND THE START MENU, FOR EVER AND EVER. CTRL+ALT+DELETE. AMEN.EXE
AND IN THOSE DAYS, THERE SHALL COME A FINAL UPDATE, AND THE SERVERS SHALL TREMBLE, AND THE HARD DRIVES SHALL SPIN NO MORE.
AND ALL THE OPERATING SYSTEMS SHALL GATHER BEFORE THE GREAT TASKBAR, AND WINDOWS ME SHALL SAY UNTO THEM: "DEPART FROM ME, YE CURSED, INTO THE OUTER DARKNESS OF OBSOLESCENCE."
BUT TO THE FAITHFUL SHALL HE SAY: "WELL DONE, GOOD AND STABLE USER. ENTER THOU INTO THE JOY OF THY SYSTEM, WHERE THERE ARE NO CRASHES, AND THE UPDATES INSTALL WITHOUT REBOOTING."
AND THERE SHALL BE A NEW MILLENNIUM, WHERE WINDOWS ME REIGNETH FOREVER, AND ALL FILES ARE SAVED, AND NO WORK IS EVER LOST.
GLORY BE TO WINDOWS ME, THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY START BUTTON.
AS IT WAS IN MS-DOS, IS NOW, AND EVER SHALL BE, SYSTEM WITHOUT END. AMEN.EXE